I think male transvestites, in other words men disguised in female attire belong generally to either one of the following two types. One type consists of transvestites who love non-homosexual men. I think that men wishing to be loved by another non-homosexual man choose to transvest themselves because they cannot hope to be loved by such a non-homosexual man. Professional transvestites may mainly belong to this type although it may depend on their profession. Another type consists of men who transvest themselves wishing to be a woman, wishing to experience on part time basis the feeling of being a woman, or being attracted by female clothes and wishing to wear them. I think that a majority of amateur transvestites belong to this type of man.
In my case, I think that I would rather belong to the latter type of man wishing to experience on a part time basis the feeling of a woman. However, this desire of mine is not so strong, and if I had only this desire, I would not have gone as far as transvesting myself because I dislike anything troublesome. I had another reason that compelled me to transvest myself.
I have the following penchant that apparently seems to be “SM” (sadism and masochism) but is not “SM”. It is a play between a personality that dominates and demands the other partner to serve and another personality that admires and serves the other partner. “S”, according to its definition, is a pleasure felt in tormenting the other partner, and “M” is a pleasure felt in being tormented by the other partner. According to these definitions, my penchant is not “SM”. If the act of dominating my partner and demanding my partner to serve me is a part of the act of tormenting my partner, and if the act of admiring and serving my partner is a part of the act of being tormented by my partner, my penchant may be one of “SM”. To me, however, the pleasure I feel in dominating my partner and demanding my partner to serve me is a narcissist pleasure (I feel that this is the ultimate narcissism), and this is utterly heterogeneous from the pleasure one finds in tormenting his partner. And the pleasure I find in admiring and serving my partner derives from the supreme charm I find in my partner (including the cases where only during the play this is assumed). Again this is utterly different from the pleasure I feel in being tormented by my partner. Thus, my penchant is not a form of “SM”.
In this penchant, I can find pleasure either while I am on the side of being served or that of serving. As I am an intense narcissist, however, I often find contradiction between myself being placed in the position of serving and my narcissism when I am placed on the side of serving and I feel a sense of resistance thereto. In this respect, I prefer being on the side of being served than being on the side of serving. I would like to add, however, that another feature of my penchant is that I like that woman is on the side of being served and man is on the side of serving.
For example, as the author, Jun-ichiro Tanizaki wrote. I agree, completely with the idea that female beauty is the supreme value of this world and that it is a joy greater than anything else for men to submit before and serve with devotion to charming women. This idea however does not represent the whole of my penchant. For example, for quite a long time (before I started transvesting myself) as a man I loved particularly being served by a woman, and even now I haven't lost completely such feeling.
I love being served myself, and I love the pattern of men serving women. In such a case, I cannot realize both cases at the same time as long as I remain a man. In order to realize both of such cases at the same time, there is no other choice than transvesting myself to become a woman and making a man serve. Here is the inevitability for me to transvest myself to become a woman.
It was in the spring of l972 that I started transvesting myself. At that time, a magazine dealing in abnormal sex entitled “Fuuzoku Kitan” was very popular among maniacs. This magazine carried an advertisement of a club called “Zenkoku Yuko Shinbokukai (National Friendship Society)” (predecessor of a transvestite bar “Utako”). That advertisement contained a passage in which a transvestite called Mayumi Tagawa (I took my name “Mayumi” from this) made a man serve as a slave servant. This passage of advertisement gave me an electric shock of excitement. I felt that I had finally found what I had been looking for. At this moment I made up my mind to transvest myself.
Soon afterwards, I started frequenting a transvestite bar called “Kozue” and a transvestite club called “Fuuki Club” to learn the technique of transvestiting oneself. After having learnt a bit technique of transvesting oneself, I looked for a playmate through a communication column called “the Readers Salon” of the magazine “Fuzoku Kitan” and started playing.
Although there were quite a number of men who wanted to serve as a “M” for a transvestite, the number of purely slavishly serving men who fitted my penchant was very limited and this fact was the most unfortunate for me. As a result I had to compromise with “M”-type men who had an inclination similar to the serving type as my partner for my play (by doing mutually what the other partner liked). Obviously the more the partner had aspects to which I had to compromise, the length of relationship was shorter. However, gradually men who had inclinations closer to my ideal remained, and from around 1988, I found enough men with whom I had no need to compromise. My relationship with them for play still continues, and until the fall of 1999 (except when was particularly busy) I played with them at least twice a week.Mar. 2003, Mayumi Yamasaki